Later, I found out that when October afternoon rains stop, the cold would always linger behind for a long time. And when I curl in bed like a caterpillar devoid of its protective cocoon, nothing would ever remind me that hours earlier, the sun was warm and bright. But on one particular afternoon, with the perfect tandem of dusty winds, falling mahogany leaves, and pre-sunset sunlight nothing prepared me for a kind of October rain that when over, the cold lasted forever.
Now forever was more of a state of mind than a value of time for certainly, we were not to live in this earth forever. And even if we live forever in heaven, unhappy memories, I suppose, would be taken away by God's own hand. But the undeniable was that, forever was long enough to rip off you precious earth times. It was because of this realization that I made little adjustments so as I would not succumb to the seemingly eternal cold. I made serious efforts to combat the return of unwanted memories and by this time I know that parts of them finally faded out so that, at this time, the story of the afternoon walk under mahogany trees appear like a mosaic in my mind. And as fragment by fragment of that mosaic deteriorates, I know, days would be added to my life.
There was a time I would remember elleor's name with so much resentment not so much because of him but because of the things I couldn't do for him. When he appeared in my dream heavily crying with a gun in his head, I should've summoned all heavens to take care of him. Because of my inborn indifference, I didn't. I was indifferent until the day I learned that, one evening, he did try to take his life.
My own life staggered until it seemed that I was edging a very high cliff and that falling down was both a relief and a tragedy. If it weren't for a promise I made to my God, that I would be of help to the family i deeply loved, I would've wasted my entire life for, what i would regard now, as unfounded guilt. Today, I realized I do not have a hand in everything; whatever reason and purpose elleor might have to leave earth in a desperate way, I have nothing to do with it. And I don't have reason enough to ask about it.
I survived death just as he had. And although the cold still lingered, it was not the same sad, chilly cold as it was before.
